New Year Message of hope from ‘Fiscal’ Cliff. *Exclusive* 7:22pm G.M.T.

31 Dec

'Fiscal' Cliff Spong

By Roadwax Special Reporter Elena Handcart

The  shadowy figure accused of being responsible for the latest economic crisis confronting the United States, Clifford ‘Fiscal’ Spong  – also known as Fiscal Cliff – has released a message of hope for Americans as the deadline for the financial crisis approaches.

In a chance meeting at Scratchwood Services on the M1 in England, our Senior Reporter Elena Handcart was granted permission to record a short interview that is reproduced in unedited form below.

Reporter:   One regular skinny Latte please, hot milk.

Catering Manager:   You want some cake with that, Madam?

Reporter:    Not at these f***ing prices, mate. You must be having a giraffe.

Fiscal Cliff:    Nicely said, little madame. (laughs) Here, go on, I’ll pay. Give her that one on the left.

Reporter:    Call me ‘little madame’ one more time and I’ll put my…oh…(indistinct)…you’re Fiscal Cliff, aren’t you?

Minder:    Don’t speak to Mr Spong unless you’re told to, there’s a good girl.

Reporter:    Wind your neck in, donkey bollocks, or I’ll take you out…(indistinct, sound of scuffle)...

Fiscal Cliff:   It’s all right, Dave. Let her have her cake and eat it. (laughs)

Minder:     She’s recording every word, boss, I think she might be a reporter.

Fiscal Cliff:   Who isn’t these days…?  Its all right. Its all right. Here…have a seat. Sit yourself down, girl.

Minder:   I don’t think you should do this, Mr Spong.

Fiscal Cliff:   I know. That’s why I employ you as a driver.

Reporter:  Mr Spong, what do you have to say to the American people about the outrageous uncertainty…

Minder:   I’m not a driver, I’m a Close Protection Specialist.

Fiscal Cliff:  Don’t interrupt, Dave. Go and get me some Spearmint from the shop, will you? Jesus…

Reporter: …about the taxation and spending crisis. Why did you do it, Mr Spong?

Fiscal Cliff:  Call me ‘Fiscal’.

Catering Manager: Skinny Latte and Chocolate Heart Attack. Enjoy.

Reporter:  Thank you. Can I have a tea spoon?

Catering Manager: I give you spoon already. There. By cup.

Reporter:No, another tea spoon for the cake.

Catering Manager: There. By the cup. I give you spoon already.

Fiscal Cliff:Oh, for f**k’s sake. Just go and get a spoon. Another spoon. Two spoons.

Catering Manager: More spoon?

Fiscal Cliff: Yes. More spoons. One more spoon.

Catering Manager:Two spoons or one? One spoon?

Fiscal Cliff: Dave usually does this stuff for me. No, one spoon. Another spoon. Just one.

Catering Manager: Just one spoon. Yes sir.

Reporter: Fiscal,  is there any hope for the American taxpayer that you will agree to negotiate…

Fiscal Cliff:  He’s getting a dessert spoon. I knew he would. Its bigger than the bloody cake.

Reporter:   Are you willing to negotiate to save the US economy from what appears to be…

Fiscal Cliff:  Of course I am. Of course. People misunderstand me.

Reporter:   How do you mean?

Fiscal Cliff: They’ve been told lies about me. They’ve made me out to be this big villain.

Reporter:  Who has?

Fiscal Cliff:  The politicians. I’m the big monster under the bed.

Reporter:  But at midnight tonight, automated spending cuts and tax hikes are gonna...

Fiscal Cliff:  You don’t really believe all that crap, do you?

Reporter:  But the failure to negotiate an alternative solution…

Fiscal Cliff:  Exactly…! Exactly…! The failure to negotiate…! It’s not me. It’s them lot.

Reporter:  Who?

Fiscal Cliff:  The politicians! Too scared of wrecking their careers to offer a sensible solution!

Reporter:   But the Democrat plan to keep the Estate Tax level of 45% might hurt many farming families.

Fiscal Cliff: Yes, but keeping the rate where it is knocks $119 billion off of tax revenue.

Reporter: Well, so Welfare expenditure would be cut, just like in other countries.

Fiscal Cliff:  Unaffordable. Welfare would tail-spin. Poverty would increase. 

Reporter:  But over-taxation could strangle growth and investment, kill off enterprise.

Fiscal Cliff:  Well, the figures are painful but it all depends where you want your pain.

Reporter:  Are you threatening me?

FiscalCliff:  I never threatened anyone. Calm down. You have to see the big picture.

Reporter:  Well, what solution can you suggest that is acceptable to everyone?

Fiscal Cliff:   That is the whole problem. All the solutions are unacceptable to one party or the other.

Reporter:  So, there is no solution?

Fiscal Cliff: There are plenty…but they all result in a loss of face to the politicians. Pride.

Reporter: Name a solution, then.

Fiscal Cliff: Easy. Cut back on Defense spending. You’d have the money in a moment.

Reporter:    But Defense spending is a Holy Grail to politicians! They’d lose face.

Fiscal Cliff:   Exactly, even though the U.S. would still be quite safe, they would lose pride.

Reporter:   So wherever you make cuts, some politician loses pride.

Fiscal Cliff: Exactly. It is all about the self-esteem of politicians, not voter’s well-being.

Reporter:  But voters rely on politicians to make the right choices on their behalf, don’t they? 

Fiscal Cliff:  Hang on  (phone bleeps) ...I’m just taking a call from my mate, Obama…

Reporter:  President Obama has your number…?

Fiscal Cliff: Bazza…Bazza…all right, my old son…? Yeah, fine…Scratchwood Services…I know, but nobody knows me in Scratchwood Services…yes…yes…right…right…okay…nice one. Love to the wife and kids…bye.

Reporter:  What did he say?

Fiscal Cliff:He said you climb a mountain one step at a time.

Reporter: What does that mean?

Fiscal Cliff: They’re gonna cut the cost of delivering Defense and Medicare by milking their big suppliers.

Reporter:  Will the big suppliers let that happen?

Fiscal Cliff: They have to. They’re loaded. So, the first round of the fight is won by the people.

Reporter:Why?

Fiscal Cliff: Because that will stop the huge tax hike that was due to happen tomorrow.

Reporter: Won’t the Defense and Medicare fat cats fight back?

Fiscal Cliff: No, the CEOs will keep their tax loopholes in return for higher Corporation Tax.

Reporter: So, the rich get richer and the workers lose the pay rise they were promised for next year…?

Fiscal Cliff:   Yes…but no politicians were hurt during the making of this documentary.

Minder: Are you gonna eat that chocolate cake or can I have it…?

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4 Responses to “New Year Message of hope from ‘Fiscal’ Cliff. *Exclusive* 7:22pm G.M.T.”

  1. Linda Vernon January 4, 2013 at 3:31 pm #

    Ha! I love this Roadwax. I am a little disappointed that no politicians were injured in the making of this documentary. I was hoping somebody would have maybe slipped and broken an arm running to get a bigger spoon. 😀

    • roadwax January 6, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

      In the original draft, Elena Handcart stuck a spoon somewhere painfully private in a violent assault on The Minder…so your editorial radar is spot-on, once again, Linda!

      • Linda Vernon January 8, 2013 at 2:47 am #

        Haha! Well I think I might want to read the uncut version someday!

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