Roadwax’s very own Elena Handcart sends this report from her covert position in the passenger footwell of Mobile 6, parked on the double yellow lines outside Downing Street:
Obama: Hi
Putin: Privet
Obama: Yes, I got the NSA to check. Its all private.
Putin: I give up…
Obama: You do…? Oh, I am so glad…I er…I applaud your wise and er…
Putin: No…! My stupid friend…privet…is hello in Russian…privet means hello.
Obama: Oh…privet…that sounds like…
Putin: I not have time for this. Where is Merkel…?
Obama: Merkel…? I thought it was just going to be you and me, Vlad…
Merkel: Hi…
Obama: Angela…! What a pleasant surprise…! Vlad and I were just wondering…
Putin: Be quiet, Barack. I’m paying for this call so you listen.
Obama: Oh, now…there’s no need to be like that…
Putin: Cameron…! David Cameron…!
(silence)
Putin: Angela…you have something you wish to say…?
(silence)
Putin: Do not make that face with me, Angela…
(silence, short sniffing sound)
Obama: Angela…don’t let him bully you…he always sounds really angry but…
Merkel: Barack, please will you not talk?
(sound of Putin laughing)
Putin: There…! She is like lioness…! Angela is strong woman, Barack, like Michelle…!
Obama: I think it is time that you stop all this playground nonsense, Putin…it’s getting boring…
Putin: Barack, Angela has something she wants to say…yes, Angela…?
Cameron: …and another bottle of 2009 Dom Perignon…and some pain-killers, okay…?
Putin: Cameron, be quiet you idiot.
Cameron: Goodness…! Didn’t realise we were switched on…well, well…
Obama: Dave, shut up.
Cameron: Absolutely. Sorry.
Putin: Say the words, Angela…
Obama: I shall not stand by idly while Russia…
Putin: Yes you will. Shut up…! Angela…say the words…!
(sigh)
Merkel: I, Angela Merkel, wish to thank Mr Putin for providing my country with 30% of its gas needs.
Putin: There…! That is good, brave woman…like Russian woman…! You hear that, Obama…?
Obama: Aw…c’mon, you know you forced her to say that…
Putin: Angela…Angela…tell my stupid friend…
Merkel: I, Angela Merkel wish to deny the vicious capitalist slur that I have been forced to say this.
Putin: Obama…see…? I give you another lesson in diplomacy, yes…?
Obama: Hardly…
Cameron: Oh, great batting, Barack…! Top man…!
Obama: Shut the fuck up.
Cameron: Right. Sorry…
Putin: Cameron…
(silence)
Putin: Cameron…Angela is good East European woman. Do you understand…?
Cameron: Not really. She wasn’t slow in voting with her feet and jumping over the wall, was she…?
Merkel: David, what car do you drive…?
Cameron: BMW…and very good it is, too…
Merkel: Exactly…so please, David, sit down before you try and think. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.
Cameron: Well I think that’s rather rude if you don’t mind me saying…
Putin: I do. Do not speak anymore unless I call your name.
Obama: I suppose the Jaguar is with the mechanic…in Mumbai…
Cameron: Oh, you bloody turn-coat…! Well, I’m not licking Putin’s arse. You go ahead…
Merkel: Stop talking, you imbecile…!
Obama: Cameron, you are out of your league…shut up and listen…
Putin: There…my stupid friend is telling you good advice, Cameron…listen…
Cameron: Fine…
Putin: Now…Obama, I want you to get Kerry to wear a dress in public tomorrow….and make-up…
(sound of Cameron laughing)
Merkel: What is so funny about wearing a dress, Cameron…?
(silence)
Putin: Cameron…answer Frau Merkel..
Cameron: …oh, really…this is ridiculous Vladimir…I mean, come on…
Obama: Goin’ in…! (laughs)
Putin: Cameron…you have many Russian tax exiles in London, yes…?
Cameron: Bloody right! Jobs a good ‘un…! Osborne has got a hard on like he’s on Viagra
Putin: Exactly…you have taken all the gangsters and all their money out of my country…yes…?
Cameron: Nearly all…still got room for a few thousand more and we’re working on that…
(sound of champagne cork popping)
Merkel: You brain-dead moron…
Putin: Shushh, Angela…let me handle this…
Obama: Blue leader down…blue leader down…
Putin: Cameron, listen…are you listening…?
Cameron: …(burp)…yes…
Putin: I want you to keep shouting your big mouth off about how bad I am…yes…?
Cameron: …absley fine by me…shoo…siuuu…shoots me fine… (hiccup)
Merkel: What a knob-cheese…
Obama: Angela…! I’m surprised by you…! Did you really say that…?
Putin: Obama…my idiot friend…take a lesson from Angela, yes…?
Obama: Okay…but I’m not doing that thing with Kerry. That is demeaning…
Putin: Obama, I want you to put lots of American war films on American TV…understand…?
Obama: Don’t quite get it but…fine with me…
Cameron: …jushhh another norm…normal day in ‘merica…total bollocks….
Putin: Shut up.
Cameron: …shorry…mmm…
Merkel: I have to go now. I have my people to think of…
Putin: All of you. You tell me one thing. Like British actor, Ray Winstone…
Cameron: …shafuckin’ goo bloke…is Ray…fuckin’ lovely…good bloke….
Putin: All of you…tell me…Who is the daddy now…?
Obama: What…?
Merkel: Its a BritGrit prison film from 1979. Just say: “you are, Putin”.
Obama: Oh…well…right…you are, Putin…
Merkel: You are, Putin…
Cameron: whooozadaddy nowwww….eh…? Fuckin’ brillian’ line….I’ve taken too many pilshhh…
Putin: Cameron…
Cameron: Yeshhh…?
Putin: Stick fingers down your throat. Make you sick. You feel better soon.
Obama: Total lightweight…eh, Angela…? What a noob…
Merkel: Don’t pretend I am your friend…I have not forgotten NSA…
Putin: I am the daddy….I am the daddy now…!
(line disconnects)
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