Ukraine: Obama, Putin phone call – latest:
Roadwax’s newly-promoted Deputy Assistant Head of International Affairs Elena Handcart sent us this transcript of Barack Obama’s latest phone conversation with Vladimir Putin from her hiding place in the wine cellar at Chatham House, London:
BO: Putin…?
VP: Obama.
BO: What’s up…? You good…?
VP: You call me. This is because you have problem. I do not have problem.
BO: Yeah, yeah…look…you free to talk right now…?
VP: (sound of tiger cub in background) Wait….ow – shit…Barack…you give me one moment…ow…fuck…!
BO: Sure, no problem…I can call back in five…wow…that scratch looks bad.
VP: You cannot see scratch. We found your camera. Don’t bullshit. Scratch is nothing…(sound of scuffle and gun firing, muffled yelp)…now…what is your problem…?
BO: Daily call. C’mon…you know we have to do this. You okay…?
VP: I look better than you. Michelle hit you again…? She is bad woman. You must control her.
BO: Nice try. Michelle is fine. She doesn’t hit me.
VP: You want I give you picture of Michelle hitting you? You should stand up…be a man…be like Russian man.
BO: You don’t…why do I always get sucked into this…? You don’t have picture of Michelle. C’mon…
VP: Now. I teach you more diplomacy, yes…? This is why you call me. For next lesson. Okay. I teach you.
BO: No. Look, be nice…you don’t need to keep on being like this. Be nice for a moment…
VP: Nice…nice…what is nice…? Always you say word…I teach you nice…
BO: Look…can you please stop putting your military into Ukraine…? It is not good. It is making things bad.
VP: Bad…? What is bad…? Russian military bring peace to Ukraine. Bad is war. Russia ends fighting there.
BO: No, Russia invades Ukraine and starts war. Bad. Ukraine wants peace and freedom.
VP: Yes, my stupid friend. Ukraine people lose fight against fascist terrorists and Russia comes to help them.
BO: Ukraine wants independence…jeezus, Vlad…we’ve gone over this so many times…jeezus…
VP: Russia military brings peace and arrests fascist terrorists who bring down Ukraine government.
BO: Ukraine government was corrupt. The people spoke. They brought it to an end.
VP: The people spoke…? You see news on TV…? You see all those fascist men…?
BO: Okay, okay…yes…there are many fascist men on news but…
VP: Many fascist men on news, yes…! And these men bring down Ukraine. You say that is good…?
BO: No…I just mean…
VP: Europe and world see the fascist men with their fascist banners and you still say Russia is bad…?
BO: No – I…no – Fascism is wrong…you and I both agree that…
VP: Oh. Barack Obama says Fascist men walking with guns in Kiev are heroes…you want that…?…on TV news?
BO: No…I…
VP: Too late…! Too late, my stupid friend…now Fascist men are being shown on TV all over world.
BO: Yes…I know…I’ve seen the TV. But they are not the true voice of the people…you know that.
VP: Of course I do…so I send in Russian military to protect Ukraine people from them.
BO: The Ukraine people want you to stop doing that.
VP: Yes, they do. Like Iraqi people wanted America out. Like Afghani people want you out.
BO: That was different. We were fighting against Islamic extremism…just like you!
VP: Oh…! My stupid friend agrees that America was fighting war against Islam…oh…!
BO: That is not what I said…
VP: I have it now…on tape…you say it.
BO: You know I was not saying that. I was saying against extremist Islamic violence.
VP: Just like Russia. Just like Russia fights extreme Fascism in Ukraine…yes…?
BO: Russia is acting aggressively…Russia is bringing in military and Ukraine is scared.
VP: Scared…scared…of course it is scared…! Military is to make people scared.
BO: Well, that is all I am saying…just turn the volume down a little…okay…?
VP: I send you something…
BO: What…?
VP: You…I send you something…you look at your inbox…
BO: Vladimir…just tone it down…please…that’s all I’m asking you…shit…!
VP: Hahaha…you see picture in inbox…you see Michelle picture…? Hahahaha…!
BO: Motherf…No way… you motherfu….that is photoshopped…no way…!…no way…!
VP: Hahaha…I teach you diplomacy now…you learn diplomacy now…yes…?
BO: That is disgusting…it is completely fake…Vlad, you are a disgrace…
VP: What…? What is so bad…? Is just woman hitting man…! Is not funny…?
BO: Woman hitting man…? No…Vlad…oh…that is not the picture I have been sent.
VP: Not Michelle…? Not Michelle hit you with shovel in vegetable garden…?
BO: definitely not…No Vlad…ugh…that is sick…so sick…
VP: Wait…! Barack, I check my outbox. Wait…wait…(sound of muffled swearing and slap)
BO: Putin, I’m signing off now. You are completely over the line, buddy…
VP: Oh…Barack…this is wrong photo you were sent…It is mistake…big mistake…
BO: Right…I guess Kremlin make big mistake…
VP: No really…it is from export convention in 2003. Bananas are not real and lady is photoshopped…
BO: You are one sick man, Vlad. I feel sorry for you…
VP: No, listen…you destroy photo, yes…? Is mistake. We are friends, yes…? You destroy photo…?
BO: What am I supposed to say to you…? Is this your diplomacy…? Is this how you are…?
VP: No…I am not like this. Is photoshopped. Listen…Barack…listen to me…!
BO: I’m not sure I want to now…Dave, you seen this…? Man…! Eww….!
VP: Barack…! Barack, my friend…! We fight Fascists! We fight Fascists together…!
BO: Um…what…? Dave, show this to Kerry. See what he thinks…
VP: Barack…! Barack…you and me…! We fight Fascists together yes…? We are friends, yes…?
BO: Call me tomorrow, Vlad…will you do that…?
VP: Sure…sure Barack…I’ll…. ( line disconnects)
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