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UK Traffic Police to declare war on Hipsters. Time to sell the VW.

15 Jul

In an attempt to deflect the rising public hostility towards bankers and politicians and traffic wardens, the UK government has announced a firm  strategy to eradicate Hipsters.

Recent research has revealed that, whereas it is almost impossible to punish those responsible for the economic collapse of western nations, it is a comparatively cheap fix to divert anger towards the relatively unprotected Hipster.

In Britain, it is still illegal to assault or abuse anyone who quotes Morrissey lyrics while wearing Vans trainers that are ironically untied or missing laces.

France plans to bring in a law soon to ban the resting of copies of ‘Brave New World’ on the table of any Starbucks cafe between 05:00hrs and 01:00hrs. However, British Hipsters are generally understood to be too incapable of understanding double-irony and a local solution has been sought.

Professor Brian Loadsworth, Senior Research Fellow at the Falmouth Research Institute into Ridiculous Posturing has worked with the Police and Civil Service to create a strategic response. In his research paper, he reveals the secret behind the planned campaign.

      “…In experiment P/51834, we discovered that Hipsters only have superficial knowledge of the subjects they espouse. We conditioned 6 male  and 6 female Hipsters to quote early Smiths lyrics in return for a reward of food being pushed through the bars of their cage. Sadly, the experiment had to be abandoned when they all died of starvation.

In experiment P/51835, we conditioned 12 more Hipsters to expect an electric shock if they dressed in both leather jackets and coloured leggings at the same time. The resultant electricity bill was exorbitant and the morgue had no room for further bodies. We realised we needed a change of approach.

We contacted the Driver Vehicle Licensing Authority and discovered that 98.73% of post – 1972 Volkswagen Beetles are owned by Hipsters. Hipsters are so desperate to be seen in one that they overlook the fact that these vehicles are neither Tax-Exempt (like the pre-1972 cars) nor economical to run. 

Further consultation with the Association of Chief Police Officers revealed that the necessary law was already in place. Indeed, ACPO made it clear that many Officers would be willing to work for free to implement what they referred to as ‘Operation Savage Dawn’….”

Below is the actual excerpt from the UK Government website. It explains how the Police deal with traffic crimes:

How the police deal with traffic crimes

The police have the right to stop a vehicle for any reason. Find out what your rights are if you are stopped by the police for a road traffic offence and what will happen next.

The photograph chosen by the government website makes it quite clear. A 1970’s Beetle with some fashionable cosmetic rust patches is depicted. The driver of this studiously hip VW is reminded that the police have the right to stop this vehicle for any reason.

Professor Brian Loadsworth has calculated that the Hipster will be consigned to history within 246 consecutive working days, or roughly a fortnight if both Strathclyde and Surrey Police chip in some overtime.

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Eurozone: Landlord of collapsing gardening shed sends out for more timber…

2 Jun

The occupiers of the thirteen-year-old garden shed known as ‘The Eurozone’ have asked their Belgium-based landlord, Brussels, to “…hurry up with the repairs before the whole f******* lot falls over…”

The occupants, all members of a gardening club that sells produce to each other are desperately searching for ways to shore up the somewhat out-dated building. It was recently discovered that only the presence of the occupants themselves inside the shed was stopping it from total collapse.

An attempt by Greece to make a run for the door was thwarted when Germany grabbed it and tied it’s legs together. Spain, who were spotted edging towards freedom while whistling nonchalantly has been given threatening looks by the other occupants.

During the last two years, Italy had a shovel confiscated when other countries thought it was using it to tunnel through the floor. Ireland was then paid a huge bribe by Great Britain – a next door neighbor – to stay exactly where it was standing.

“We sell a lot of gardening tools to the present occupiers, so it would be awfully tragic for us if any of the occupants escape and cause the whole shed to topple over.” explained Britain.

“If everybody keeps calm, everything will be all right.” commented Germany, “The only problem will be if any of us try to leave. We can lend money to anyone who wants to buy more plant pots or shears.”

“The big problem is that we don’t actually need to buy gardening tools and we are broke because we keep borrowing money.” Greece explained, shouting to reporters from inside the noticeably unstable property. “The gardening tools we bought were pretty expensive, even though we got discount. Then, we had a few years of bad harvests and some of our crops were stolen by corrupt business people. Now we can’t afford to stay in the club. It is financially ruining us! The landlord should get his act together and sort out the shed!”

In response to reporter’s questions, the landlord, Brussels, has repeatedly explained that it is impossible to blame the landlord, since this is completely against the rules that the landlord has created and that all the members have agreed.

“We have, however, found some more bits of timber in the corner of the garden and are going to use these to prop up the shed for the time being. Unfortunately, these are rather expensive bits of timber and they will have to be bought by the occupants of the shed, who also paid for the shed to be built and for me, the landlord, to run it. Actually, they are phenomenally expensive. Especially if you are broke. But, we can lend money to anyone who is broke.”

An attempt by Greece to make a lunge for the landlord was averted when other countries restrained it and sat on it.

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Obama Secret Service Agents “cannot spot a prostitute at a nightclub bar” – Peter T. King

23 Apr

I Spy For The F.B.I.

In a worrying development for the American President, it has emerged that some Secret Service Agents are unable to identify a prostitute in a Colombian night club, specializing in offering personal services to male clients.

Defending the Secret Service Agents who are caught up in the scandal, Peter T. King – chairman of the house committee on Homeland Security has admitted:

“…Some of them were saying that they didn’t know they were prostitutes…”

When shown a photograph of  the Pope and asked to identify the person in the picture, it is believed that six Agents confirmed that he was in fact Boy George and a further nine identified him as Barbara Streisand.

President Obama is believed to have locked himself in the bathroom and is refusing to come out until he is given a Walmart shell suit and a ginger wig.

An anonymous source at the New York Times who revealed this amazing fact said that they believed that over the last fifty years, U.S. Secret Service Agents may have mistakenly slept with thousands of women whom they thought were just ordinary housewives.

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Car Auctions: Nightclubs for the over 25s…?

6 Mar

Right. Let’s get down to business.

The first time you had sex with someone who wasn’t actually you, three things happened:

1) You couldn’t compare the sensation to anything else that you had previously experienced.

2) You got a strange look from the person you were doing it with, somewhere towards the end.

3) You suddenly realised why some people did it for a living.

Okay, Now you are a little older, you should try buying at a car auction. Its pretty much the same deal.

Regardless of gender, when you are feeling too old to be going to a nightclub, you are just becoming old enough to enter the world of car auctions. Just like some weird deleted scene from Benjamin Button, as you become too old to spill a Smirnoff Ice while drooling at someone on the dance floor, you come of age to enter a far more exciting world of sober intrigue and expensive nods.

Car auctions are not for everyone. They can be like getting off with a complete stranger and then waking up the next morning to find you have no credit card. Or, they can make you happy for the rest of your life. You can save $5,000 easily at a car auction while having fun at the same time. You can’t do that at a nightclub.

Thousands of one, two and three year old cars are sold each day by Auction Houses. Just one auction I visit regularly can crank the ‘hammer’ speed up to one car sold every fifteen seconds. Most of the second hand cars that you see on a dealer forecourt have been through these auctions. The dealer adds about 30% to the price and sticks them out front, sometimes without even needing to polish the door handles.

The truly massive over-production of new cars in the West is threatening near-catastrophic melt-down of our economies. This is no over-exaggeration. Western Europe relies heavily on new car manufacture to employ it’s workers. As an extreme example, Spain’s demand for new cars has dropped by an estimated 55% since 2007. European manufacturers are over-producing new cars by a rate of 20% per year. Jobs are going to be lost. Presidents and Prime Ministers are looking pasty and grey. Insomnia is the new ‘black’. As new car prices drop, nearly-new car prices drop more. Especially at auctions.

The latest Roadwax “Western Leader Poll” results are in. All western leaders were asked the same three questions by Roadwax, their premier trusted source of internet motoring groove.

Q 1) “As a Western Leader, did you get out of bed at 3.20am last Wednesday and see if there was anything in the fridge worth finishing off?”

Q 2) “Did you eventually decide instead to neck all the whiskey from the cupboard and cancel your first meeting?”

Q 3) “Even though all of you are millionaires, do you ever fancy sneaking off and going down the car auction?”

All Western Leaders have now returned their answers to me. Putin replied twice, but he doesn’t actually count on this one. Sorry, Vlad. Yes, I know you hate being called Vlad.

Just like Roadwax showed you in four easy parts how to find a good car to have a crash in, Roadwax is now going to show you how to understand car auctions and save between £500 and £50,000 from your hard earned cash.

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General Motors Found Mumbling To Itself On Night Bus To Penge

4 Mar

The household name and multinational giant General Motors has been spotted on the 176 Night Bus from Trafalgar Square to Penge, South London, England.

Relatives of the American auto legend, once famous for world-first cars including the Chevrolet Bel-Air, Corvette, Camaro and the entire Cadillac range and also many other outstanding automotive classics, have been informed.

G.M.’s confused and highly agitated state initially aroused the suspicions of fellow Night Bus passengers when he stood up, wrapped roasting foil around the top of his head and screamed: “…I’m a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me…?” as the bus approached Waterloo Station.

Emma Thong, 18, a stylist from Croydon said: “At first, I was quite shocked, but G.M. suddenly burst into tears and sat down again so I let it go. It is not something you expect from a multinational conglomerate but I didn’t want to get involved.”.

General Motors left a note last week with a next-door neighbour, saying that he had met a French woman on the internet and was going away for a while.

“G.M. often did that sort of thing.” neighbour Jack Daniels said yesterday.   “He shacked up with some Isuzu woman in Japan for a while but things never really went as planned. Heart wasn’t in it. Got involved with a Korean called Daewoo and kept telling everybody she was the real thing but I guess loneliness makes you blind to what’s really going on.”

Amrit Dinesh, a 24-year-old Post Graduate medical student who was sitting on the bus next to G.M. said: “He used his finger to write the word ‘HEPL’ on the glass. When I explained that he had miss-spelled the word, he started crying and asked me if I knew how to design small cars. I gave him a tissue but he ate it and then began singing about how he wanted to be a country girl and having an old brown dog and a big front porch and keeping rabbits. It was sad.”

London Police were initially alerted by White House staff after G.M.’s rented Opel Corsa was found at Charles de Gaulle Airport, Paris. Empty wine bottles were strewn across the interior and a love letter from the French car maker Peugeot was found on the driver’s seat. American Embassy staff were unable to make progress and called Scotland Yard.

Detective Inspector Brian Loadsworth from Scotland Yard issued this statement to reporters:

“At about 17.56pm yesterday, we were contacted by American Embassy officials in Paris who were extremely concerned that G.M. had possibly gone on an immense bender with a known French car-maker. They had intercepted evidence that General Motors had got absolutely trousered and signed some sort of agreement with the French car maker, formerly known as Peugeot. The officials stated that they were getting no help from the people of Paris, who were responding to their questions by merely shrugging their shoulders and saying something about George W. Bush. At 02.14 this morning, we received information from a trusted source that General Motors was possibly sitting upstairs on the Night Bus No. 176 to Penge”.

“Armed Police from the Tactical Support Group immediately surrounded the bus and, after a short but vicious struggle, neutralized the bus driver and took him into custody. Seven officers were injured when they were hit by a Ford Transit kebab van. Forty-six passengers who were on the bus have been charged with assault. One American business legend, aged about 100 years, was questioned by Police at the scene and then was released after being cautioned about his behaviour.”

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