UK Traffic Police to declare war on Hipsters. Time to sell the VW.

15 Jul

In an attempt to deflect the rising public hostility towards bankers and politicians and traffic wardens, the UK government has announced a firm  strategy to eradicate Hipsters.

Recent research has revealed that, whereas it is almost impossible to punish those responsible for the economic collapse of western nations, it is a comparatively cheap fix to divert anger towards the relatively unprotected Hipster.

In Britain, it is still illegal to assault or abuse anyone who quotes Morrissey lyrics while wearing Vans trainers that are ironically untied or missing laces.

France plans to bring in a law soon to ban the resting of copies of ‘Brave New World’ on the table of any Starbucks cafe between 05:00hrs and 01:00hrs. However, British Hipsters are generally understood to be too incapable of understanding double-irony and a local solution has been sought.

Professor Brian Loadsworth, Senior Research Fellow at the Falmouth Research Institute into Ridiculous Posturing has worked with the Police and Civil Service to create a strategic response. In his research paper, he reveals the secret behind the planned campaign.

      “…In experiment P/51834, we discovered that Hipsters only have superficial knowledge of the subjects they espouse. We conditioned 6 male  and 6 female Hipsters to quote early Smiths lyrics in return for a reward of food being pushed through the bars of their cage. Sadly, the experiment had to be abandoned when they all died of starvation.

In experiment P/51835, we conditioned 12 more Hipsters to expect an electric shock if they dressed in both leather jackets and coloured leggings at the same time. The resultant electricity bill was exorbitant and the morgue had no room for further bodies. We realised we needed a change of approach.

We contacted the Driver Vehicle Licensing Authority and discovered that 98.73% of post – 1972 Volkswagen Beetles are owned by Hipsters. Hipsters are so desperate to be seen in one that they overlook the fact that these vehicles are neither Tax-Exempt (like the pre-1972 cars) nor economical to run. 

Further consultation with the Association of Chief Police Officers revealed that the necessary law was already in place. Indeed, ACPO made it clear that many Officers would be willing to work for free to implement what they referred to as ‘Operation Savage Dawn’….”

Below is the actual excerpt from the UK Government website. It explains how the Police deal with traffic crimes:

How the police deal with traffic crimes

The police have the right to stop a vehicle for any reason. Find out what your rights are if you are stopped by the police for a road traffic offence and what will happen next.

The photograph chosen by the government website makes it quite clear. A 1970’s Beetle with some fashionable cosmetic rust patches is depicted. The driver of this studiously hip VW is reminded that the police have the right to stop this vehicle for any reason.

Professor Brian Loadsworth has calculated that the Hipster will be consigned to history within 246 consecutive working days, or roughly a fortnight if both Strathclyde and Surrey Police chip in some overtime.

12 Responses to “UK Traffic Police to declare war on Hipsters. Time to sell the VW.”

  1. Linda Vernon July 16, 2012 at 4:05 am #

    LOL! It will certainly be interesting to see how full the French jails get when they start making arrests for Brave New World violations! And at least Professor Brian Loadsworth was inadvertently able to thin out the Hipster population a bit! HA HA! Loved it! 😀

    • roadwax July 16, 2012 at 2:12 pm #

      Thank you, Linda! An odd and completely unexpected side-effect of me posting this article is that the VW Owners Club have started following me on Twitter. If anything happens to me, I want you to have my laptop. Login Password is: “whoislaughingnow?”

      • Linda Vernon July 16, 2012 at 3:15 pm #

        Haha! Roadwax! Now all you have to do is find a way to include “VW” in every post title and you’re on your way to becoming viral!

        • roadwax July 16, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

          I learn from your wise guidance… 😉 How they discovered that I actually DO drive a VW (a ’96 Golf) is going to keep me awake for a night or two.

          • Linda Vernon July 16, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

            Well I hear they have a lot of hidden cameras over there! (Not to freak you out or anything . . .:D)

            • roadwax July 16, 2012 at 4:29 pm #

              Oh yes. Cameras everywhere. Small, paranoid island off Europe. Sponsored by Kodak.

  2. Antony Ingram (@antonyingram) July 31, 2012 at 5:29 pm #

    Arrived here via your post on Petrolblog. Particularly amused by this article, the first I read, since I’m the owner of a post-72 VW Beetle.

    However, I can’t be a hipster as I’m genuinely scruffy, rather than just trying to look like I’m scruffy. Also, the Beetle hasn’t moved from its spot in the garage for 12 months.

    Even so, I’m now keeping a beady eye out for PC Plod.

    • roadwax July 31, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

      Antony, I am so delighted that you have responded with such good will. I have been living in fear of having offended ‘post-72 Beetle owners’ ever since I published the article and your kind comment will allow me to sleep at last.

      As you state, you are clearly not a hipster. Using Brian Loadsworth’s recently published algorithm to define the hipster, you measure only 7.623 where a score of at least 87.569 is required. Part of your score came simply from denying that you are a hipster – something that all true hipsters always state – and the fact that having a redundant Beetle in a garage is actually quite hip.

      I trust you have/are about to declare SORN on the beast. The last thing I need is for my readers to suffer the mental trauma of having to deal with the fully automated DVLA phone system which “helps” owners who have “failed to declare SORN”. The system was inspired by Franz Kafka’s writings.

      Oh my God. I just mentioned Kafka in a WordPress comment on hipsters. I am undone…

      • Antony Ingram (@antonyingram) July 31, 2012 at 8:43 pm #

        The Beetle is indeed SORN’d, and will only emerge a) once it’s no longer in a million pieces and b) when it becomes genuinely uncool, rather than cool because it’s uncool. Unfortunately, since it being genuinely uncool makes it anti-fashion, that might make it cool again, rendering me a hipster by default.

        I hope to sell it to a hipster before it becomes uncool (or, if you like, properly cool, and therefore uncool to hipsters). Or before the words “cool” and “uncool” lose all meaning and I become a gibbering wreck.

        • roadwax July 31, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

          I sense a Rat Rod coming on. I would put money on it. Antony, you are beyond the call of hip.

  3. H.E. ELLIS August 25, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

    OMG this is hilarious! I poke fun at Hipsters in my book. Reality IS funnier than fiction!

    • roadwax August 25, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

      Thank you so much! You and I obviously share that certain venomous sense of…whatever it is. Fortunately for me, Hipsters are not known for conducting revenge killings.

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