By Roadwax Special Reporter Elena Handcart
The shadowy figure accused of being responsible for the latest economic crisis confronting the United States, Clifford ‘Fiscal’ Spong - also known as Fiscal Cliff - has released a message of hope for Americans as the deadline for the financial crisis approaches.
In a chance meeting at Scratchwood Services on the M1 in England, our Senior Reporter Elena Handcart was granted permission to record a short interview that is reproduced in unedited form below.
Reporter: One regular skinny Latte please, hot milk.
Catering Manager: You want some cake with that, Madam?
Reporter: Not at these f***ing prices, mate. You must be having a giraffe.
Fiscal Cliff: Nicely said, little madame. (laughs) Here, go on, I’ll pay. Give her that one on the left.
Reporter: Call me ‘little madame’ one more time and I’ll put my…oh…(indistinct)…you’re Fiscal Cliff, aren’t you?
Minder: Don’t speak to Mr Spong unless you’re told to, there’s a good girl.
Reporter: Wind your neck in, donkey bollocks, or I’ll take you out…(indistinct, sound of scuffle)...
Fiscal Cliff: It’s all right, Dave. Let her have her cake and eat it. (laughs)
Minder: She’s recording every word, boss, I think she might be a reporter.
Fiscal Cliff: Who isn’t these days…? Its all right. Its all right. Here…have a seat. Sit yourself down, girl.
Minder: I don’t think you should do this, Mr Spong.
Fiscal Cliff: I know. That’s why I employ you as a driver.
Reporter: Mr Spong, what do you have to say to the American people about the outrageous uncertainty…
Minder: I’m not a driver, I’m a Close Protection Specialist.
Fiscal Cliff: Don’t interrupt, Dave. Go and get me some Spearmint from the shop, will you? Jesus…
Reporter: …about the taxation and spending crisis. Why did you do it, Mr Spong?
Fiscal Cliff: Call me ‘Fiscal’.
Catering Manager: Skinny Latte and Chocolate Heart Attack. Enjoy.
Reporter: Thank you. Can I have a tea spoon?
Catering Manager: I give you spoon already. There. By cup.
Reporter:No, another tea spoon for the cake.
Catering Manager: There. By the cup. I give you spoon already.
Fiscal Cliff:Oh, for f**k’s sake. Just go and get a spoon. Another spoon. Two spoons.
Catering Manager: More spoon?
Fiscal Cliff: Yes. More spoons. One more spoon.
Catering Manager:Two spoons or one? One spoon?
Fiscal Cliff: Dave usually does this stuff for me. No, one spoon. Another spoon. Just one.
Catering Manager: Just one spoon. Yes sir.
Reporter: Fiscal, is there any hope for the American taxpayer that you will agree to negotiate…
Fiscal Cliff: He’s getting a dessert spoon. I knew he would. Its bigger than the bloody cake.
Reporter: Are you willing to negotiate to save the US economy from what appears to be…
Fiscal Cliff: Of course I am. Of course. People misunderstand me.
Reporter: How do you mean?
Fiscal Cliff: They’ve been told lies about me. They’ve made me out to be this big villain.
Reporter: Who has?
Fiscal Cliff: The politicians. I’m the big monster under the bed.
Reporter: But at midnight tonight, automated spending cuts and tax hikes are gonna...
Fiscal Cliff: You don’t really believe all that crap, do you?
Reporter: But the failure to negotiate an alternative solution…
Fiscal Cliff: Exactly…! Exactly…! The failure to negotiate…! It’s not me. It’s them lot.
Fiscal Cliff: The politicians! Too scared of wrecking their careers to offer a sensible solution!
Reporter: But the Democrat plan to keep the Estate Tax level of 45% might hurt many farming families.
Fiscal Cliff: Yes, but keeping the rate where it is knocks $119 billion off of tax revenue.
Reporter: Well, so Welfare expenditure would be cut, just like in other countries.
Fiscal Cliff: Unaffordable. Welfare would tail-spin. Poverty would increase.
Reporter: But over-taxation could strangle growth and investment, kill off enterprise.
Fiscal Cliff: Well, the figures are painful but it all depends where you want your pain.
Reporter: Are you threatening me?
FiscalCliff: I never threatened anyone. Calm down. You have to see the big picture.
Reporter: Well, what solution can you suggest that is acceptable to everyone?
Fiscal Cliff: That is the whole problem. All the solutions are unacceptable to one party or the other.
Reporter: So, there is no solution?
Fiscal Cliff: There are plenty…but they all result in a loss of face to the politicians. Pride.
Reporter: Name a solution, then.
Fiscal Cliff: Easy. Cut back on Defense spending. You’d have the money in a moment.
Reporter: But Defense spending is a Holy Grail to politicians! They’d lose face.
Fiscal Cliff: Exactly, even though the U.S. would still be quite safe, they would lose pride.
Reporter: So wherever you make cuts, some politician loses pride.
Fiscal Cliff: Exactly. It is all about the self-esteem of politicians, not voter’s well-being.
Reporter: But voters rely on politicians to make the right choices on their behalf, don’t they?
Fiscal Cliff: Hang on (phone bleeps) ...I’m just taking a call from my mate, Obama…
Reporter: President Obama has your number…?
Fiscal Cliff: Bazza…Bazza…all right, my old son…? Yeah, fine…Scratchwood Services…I know, but nobody knows me in Scratchwood Services…yes…yes…right…right…okay…nice one. Love to the wife and kids…bye.
Reporter: What did he say?
Fiscal Cliff:He said you climb a mountain one step at a time.
Reporter: What does that mean?
Fiscal Cliff: They’re gonna cut the cost of delivering Defense and Medicare by milking their big suppliers.
Reporter: Will the big suppliers let that happen?
Fiscal Cliff: They have to. They’re loaded. So, the first round of the fight is won by the people.
Fiscal Cliff: Because that will stop the huge tax hike that was due to happen tomorrow.
Reporter: Won’t the Defense and Medicare fat cats fight back?
Fiscal Cliff: No, the CEOs will keep their tax loopholes in return for higher Corporation Tax.
Reporter: So, the rich get richer and the workers lose the pay rise they were promised for next year…?
Fiscal Cliff: Yes…but no politicians were hurt during the making of this documentary.
Minder: Are you gonna eat that chocolate cake or can I have it…?